“A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” – Mary Karr

 

Oh, the holidays. Whatever your traditions look like, whether it’s a day of cooking, sports, movies or board games, there is always plenty to look forward to and just as much to dread. Gathering with family means gathering with years of history, unspoken rules, and emotional landmines, and it can feel like a test of patience and a challenge to every ounce of “growth” you swore you mastered in therapy. I like to think of myself as a fairly balanced and emotionally mature person. Yet the second I walk into my childhood home and my mom makes an offhand comment, all of that goes straight out the window. Suddenly I am fifteen again, complete with teenager-level irritation. No one has the power to trigger you like your family. Add alcohol and multiple generations to the mix, and things can unravel quickly.

 

So why does this happen? Family systems theorists, including the renowned therapist Catherine Ducommun-Nagy, offer one helpful way to understand it. In her work on relational ethics and family loyalty, she explains that families operate as emotional ecosystems, where each person has a role shaped by unspoken expectations, loyalties and a push and pull of what we owe to others and what they owe us. Other theories explain that we have age-specific “ego states” or “emotion parts”. When we return home, we unconsciously slip back into the part we once played. The system pulls us in. Our younger selves step forward. And as off-putting as it feels, it is completely normal.

 

All of which brings us to the real question: what can we actually do to make the holidays more manageable, or dare I say, even enjoyable? I turned to one of the world’s leading thinkers on personal growth, Mel Robbins, to help us get through the season with a little more grace, a little less reactivity, and maybe even have some fun along the way.

 

Robbins explains that, in order to successfully navigate the holidays with your family, there are 3Ps that you are not to talk about under any circumstances:

 

  • The Past: The holidays are not the place to resolve 20 years of stuff that has built up in your family or any issues that you have. Leave the past in the past.
  • Personal Life: Steer clear of deep conversations about your personal life, especially if you are currently feeling unhappy or stuck, as a lot of the angst that you might be experiencing might come from it, and talking about it can lead to stress, judgement and conflict.
  • Politics: Never talk about politics! Even if you agree on politics, it’s going to take the conversation down, make things negative, and it opens up the door for everything to get adversarial, especially if there’s alcohol involved.

So how do you do this? Robbins says, “keep it simple”:

  • Focus on the Present: Talk about the food, pay attention to the people who are right in front of you in this moment and ask them about their life and how they’re doing.
  • Redirect Conversations: If an unwanted topic comes up and people keep asking questions you don’t want to dive into, you are fully in your right to say “I just really want to have a good time this weekend, I don’t really want to talk about that, it’s a sore subject for me” or “I just really want to have fun, I don’t want to get too deep” and then shift the conversation to something else or find an excuse to get out of the situation.
  • Shift focus to others: By asking questions and getting people talking about themselves, you can take the pressure off yourself and have a more pleasant experience.

 

Robbins urges us to remember that “because I don’t want to” is an extremely valid reason for not doing something.

Set boundaries and practice self-care 

  • Embrace “Let Them”: Robbins’ “Let Them” theory explains that when you let the people in your life do whatever it is they want to do, accepting what you cannot control in others while focusing on what you can control (your thoughts, actions, and feelings), it creates more control and emotional peace for you and leads to better relationships. So let people be disappointed or upset if you don’t want to go to a party or do something they want during the holidays. You can’t control their reactions, so you need to be okay with that. You are not responsible for any other adult’s feelings (or their Thanksgiving plans, for that matter.)
  • Set clear boundaries: Decide your limits beforehand to ease the stress of potential negative interactions.
  • Take breaks: Step away for some quiet time when you feel overwhelmed. Prioritize self-care: Schedule time for yourself, whether it’s a run, meditation, or reading, even when you’re busy.

 

The holidays may never be perfect, but with a few simple tools and a little kindness toward yourself, they can be a lot more manageable. Wishing you all a lovely Thanksgiving!